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TANYA'S FELINE CHRONIC RENAL FAILURE INFORMATION CENTRE
SAYING GOODBYE
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." Edna St. Vincent Millay
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Introduction
Although hopefully this site will be able to help you to buy a lot more quality time for your cat, eventually your precious cat is going to have to leave you. This can be a very difficult thing to come to terms with; but there are a few ways in which you can try to make the experience a little less painful for yourself.
Many people find the idea of losing their cat too distressing to even contemplate; I know when Tanya was ill, I would try to read books on this topic but I would end up in floods of tears, so I do sympathise. But if at all possible, you must try to give some thought to these matters while your cat is still alive; because if you wait until the moment is upon you, you will probably not be able to think clearly and may make decisions which you later come to regret.
2. Deciding Whether to Euthanise
This is a very hard decision to make, both in terms of whether to do it and if so, when; and it is also a very personal one.
Whether you agree with the concept of euthanasia is the first thing you need to think about - some people think it is fundamentally wrong, and would not contemplate it in any circumstances; while others view it as the last act of kindness you can perform for a beloved friend. If you do not yet belong to either category, you need to give this subject some thought.
If you do feel you would consider euthanasia when the time comes, it can be helpful to decide in advance, perhaps in conjunction with your vet, the criteria which will lead you personally to seriously contemplate euthanasia. This is not easy because different cats have different tolerance levels (and so do their humans); and many of the symptoms of CRF, which might lead some people who are unaware of the latest treatment options to consider euthanasia, can in fact be successfully controlled.
If you do decide to euthanise, the decision as to timing is often no easier. Some well-meaning people may tell you that that your cat will let you know when it is time to leave, that you will look in his/her eyes and "just know". Although it is comforting to think that your cat may effectively take the decision out of your hands in this way, you have to accept that it is just as likely that this will not happen. It might possibly be easier with a CRF cat to look in his or her eyes and "know" that it is time, in that you are probably giving your cat so much care and attention that you will know when something is wrong; but that doesn't translate as always knowing when it is time. I looked into Tanya's eyes and felt it was time; but then later on I saw that exact same look in Thomas's eyes - and he pulled through. So I know from personal experience that "looking into your cat's eyes" is an unreliable indicator. I have also heard from people who have have been told they will "just know" and who are so worried about looking into their cat's eyes for "the signs", that they neglect to enjoy their time with their cat. So by all means, hope for a sign; but do not count on receiving one.
At the same time, always remember that nobody knows your cat like you do: if you feel pressurised into making the irrevocable decision, perhaps by your vet or family, this may distress you afterwards; so again, try to decide in advance what are the criteria you personally would use for making the decision.
Because it can be so terribly hard to know when the time has come, particularly with a CRF cat who will probably be having good days and bad days, I have created a page called The Final Hours, which describes the symptoms which you may see in the final stages of CRF. This page also contains a description of what happens during euthanasia, together with information about choosing where to euthanise and resting place options. In addition, several CRF List members have bravely described in the Other People's Losses page what happened during their cats' final hours. These pages may help you decide what would be the criteria which matter to you.
Grief can take many forms, and the following are some of the emotions and experiences which you may face.
Immediately after a bereavement, people often feel numb, and their loss does not seem real. This can be both comforting and alarming, because you expect to feel something; but this feeling is normal, and it usually wears off after a few days.
Difficulty Functioning Normally Every time I have lost a cat, I have completely lost my appetite too for the first few days afterwards. Everything tastes like cardboard, and I have to be forced to eat. I also feel sick, and sometimes actually am sick. Some people are unable to sleep, but I slept a lot and I welcomed sleep, because it took my mind off my loss. The downside was it meant that every time I woke up I had to go through that horrible split second when I hoped it had all been a nightmare, only to realise it was all too true.
You are entitled to feel as if you are wading through mud. But try to keep to some kind of a routine if you can. Force food in, even if it tastes of absolutely nothing. Try to get showered and dressed each day as a minimum. If you normally watch a particular TV programme, watch it. By all means take a few days off work if you can (essential in my case, since I cannot stop crying), but no more than a week. You have already had a big change in your life, so try to keep some things the same, it will help you cope and work out a way to live without your cat's physical presence around you.
If you have lost a much loved cat, it is inevitable that you will feel a gaping void in your life; and this feeling can be exacerbated when you lose a cat to CRF because you were probably spending a fair bit of time caring for your cat, and all that time suddenly becomes available again and can lie heavy on your hands. Try to do little things each day that occupy your mind a little, even if it is still focused on your cat - some people have found it helpful to make a scrapbook about their cat, for example. Alternatively, do something you couldn't do while your cat was sick, such as going to the cinema.
This is the stage when you torture yourself with all the "what ifs." If only I had fed my cat a different food. If only I'd been more diligent with the phosphorus binders. If only I could have my cat back, I would never do anything bad ever again.
These emotions are an extremely common reaction to bereavement, and you may well find yourself regretting something you did or did not do. You may also feel guilty if your cat did not manage long after diagnosis - you may feel cheated or wonder if you made mistakes in caring for your cat. Although it is often possible to buy quality time for a CRF cat, the disease IS terminal, and by the law of averages some cats are not going to manage long after diagnosis. Please do not beat yourself up if this happens to you, but try to take comfort in the fact that you did what you could.
Whatever your reason for feeling guilty, please remember that feeling guilty is a natural, integral part of the grieving process; and whatever you did, your cat knows you tried your best and loves you for it.
Pet-loss.net has a helpful article on dealing with guilt following a loss.
You may also feel angry, perhaps at your vet or yourself, and sometimes even at your cat for leaving you; again, this is a natural reaction. If you feel angry at your vet, you could call and ask for a chat: vets know clients sometimes feel this way, and will usually be happy to provide information to reassure you about what happened.
Some people feel resentful if they have other healthy cats, particularly if they were more bonded with the deceased cat. This is also normal, but try to remember that your surviving cat has no control over the situation; it simply wasn't his/her time. As time passes, you may in fact find that you bond more with the surviving cat, though this is not compulsory.
One taboo subject is feeling a sense of relief after your cat has died. This is actually normal when you have been caring for a terminally ill patient. If you analyse your feelings, you will probably find that you are not feeling relief that your cat has died; rather, you are feeling relief that the CRF is gone, that you are able to climb off the emotional rollercoaster. There is no shame in that. If you do feel this way, try not to feel guilty: rather, focus on all the care you gave your cat and remember that your cat would never reproach you for carrying on with your life after he or she is gone.
One of the hardest things to cope with can be a feeling of isolation: people in the west are often very uncomfortable with the idea of death and simply do not know what to say to the bereaved. This can hurt, as can tactless comments like "it was only a cat" or "you can always get another one", as if cats are interchangeable. The one I found most hurtful when Tanya died was "well, at least you have another cat" - in the end, I used to point out that although Harpsie certainly is an exceptional cat, he has not yet mastered the art of being both himself and Tanya simultaneously. Try to remember that these people are well-meaning, if misguided and seek support elsewhere. Always remember that your feelings are perfectly valid and that there is nothing wrong in feeling your grief. Feeling grief shows that you are capable of love, hardly something to be ashamed of.
I am sometimes asked by Christians whether I believe that animals have souls. I believe they do. Clarifying Christianity has an article entitled Do Pets Go to Heaven? Petloss Website has the story of Rainbow Bridge, a place where animals wait for their humans until they are able to enter heaven together.
You may find yourself having to support other family members in their grief, and this can be particularly hard to do for children. Encourage them to talk and express their fears, and let them see that you are grieving too and that there is nothing wrong in feeling this way and talking about it. Be careful about using the expression "put to sleep" when talking to children, because they do not fully understand this concept and it can make them afraid to go to sleep in case they too never wake up.
Pet People Help has some information on helping children deal with grief. Missing My Pet is a book by a six year old boy, Alex Lambert, about how he felt when his dog died.
Helping Other Feline Family Members You may also have to deal with other feline family members who are distressed by the loss of their companion and who search for him/her. Cats certainly can grieve, Harpsie fell into a deep decline after Tanya died. Flower Essences (see Holistic Treatments) may help here, particularly Star of Bethlehem, as may homeopathic ignatia. Talk to your surviving cat(s). Tell them what has happened and give them lots of love and attention. It can help to comfort all of you.
Feline Advisory Bureau has information on how to help a grieving cat. Holisticat has information on giving homeopathic remedies to cats.
Just as living with CRF was a rollercoaster, so is grief. Some days you will feel you are beginning to do a little better, and then the next day you will feel terrible again. Once again, this is normal: just take each day at a time, savour the better days and try to keep going through the bad days, and be gentle on yourself.
In my experience (three losses) and that of others I've spoken to, the first 2-3 weeks are the most painful. After that, you don't suddenly wake up and feel happy again, but the pain changes to a quieter, deeper kind of pain that somehow I found easier to bear. I can't guarantee that this will happen for you but it might.
When you are in the midst of grief, you cannot imagine ever feeling happy again; but one day you will realise that the balance of your emotions has changed from 99% pain and 1% happy memories to 1% pain and 99% happy memories.
Here is one lady, Marvie's, experience of grief written very shortly after her cat, Gus, died after 15 years together. I think it is extremely moving.
"I still have peace, but peace does not have a cold nose, a pink tongue, whiskers or a warm purr. Peace does not use the litterbox, hurl hairballs or wake me at two in the morning because it got lonely and wanted to crawl under the covers. The sure knowledge that I did the best I could does not demand fresh running water in the bathtub, lose its toys under the living room couch or chase moths. And even that wonderful sense of love I knew after my kitty-cat crossed, does not meow when I come home late or interrupt me at the computer with a warm paw on my leg, asking for a lap and a cuddle. And though a fresh new set of paws will one day walk into my heart, the here-and-now, day-to-day presence of a creature who knew me better than I know myself, loved me better than I love myself (and let me know that on a regular basis, conceited little creature that he was), is gone. Peace is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't wear fur.
And when I miss that fur so much, when the grief swells and threatens to consume me, the memory of my bond with my fur-person grounds me. It tells me to look forward and celebrate the joy that bounded into my life so many years ago; to pause and ground myself, let the love that was there surface and know that the love is still there. It's lonelier on this side, but if I ride out the grief I come full circle back to the peace. It doesn't wear fur and it doesn't stop tears, but it does bring the memory of love and changes the tears from those of desperate sorrow to those of healing and of hope."
It can be very comforting to create some kind of memorial for your cat.
Memorial Pages I created Tanya's Memorial Page and found it did help me. There are several places on the web where you can do this, including In Memory of Pets which has a section specially for CRF cats.
Paw Prints Some people have a cast made of their cat's paw, which can be very comforting. In the USA, vets often offer to do this, but you can do it yourself with moulding dough, available from toy shops.
Jewellery Whisper in the Heart sells jewellery which can hold ashes or fur. Some people who have had their cats cremated have used part of the ashes to have a piece of jewellery made, often in a heart shape. My Crystal Companion offers this service, though it is not cheap. Pet Cremation Nevada sells jewellery which can hold ashes or fur. JLC Keepsakes sells jewellery which can hold ashes or fur; you can also have your cat's photo engraved on it.
Candles Pet Wicks Candles sells handcrafted candles which can contain a photograph of your pet.
Paintings Easy 123 Art will create a painting by numbers kit of your cat from a photograph.
Firstly, a new cat can never "replace" your cat, because they are all different and unique, so you do not need to feel guilty for contemplating getting another cat. Secondly, there is no "right time" to go and get another cat, if indeed you ever do. Some people, often those with no other cats, cannot bear the emptiness of their home and go and get another cat quite quickly, within a week of losing their first cat. At the other extreme are people who never get another cat at all because they simply cannot face the thought of having to go through the pain of bereavement again at some point in the future. Both approaches are equally valid, neither is right or wrong. The only important thing is to do what feels right for you personally at a time when it feels right.
After Tanya died, I felt I couldn't bear to add another cat to our family since it meant the pain of loss would one day follow. However, Harpsie, a very sociable cat who had never been an only cat, had other ideas: he became so depressed and then physically ill after Tanya died that we had to acquire another cat on our vet's advice a month after we lost Tanya. It did the trick for Harpsie, Indie did indeed cheer him up; and although it did not happen overnight, I fell in love with her too. Some people feel that getting another cat is showing disloyalty to their deceased cat, but although I felt this way myself to start with, I soon realised that Indie would never take Tanya's place in my heart (she has her own place), that helping Indie would not hurt Tanya, and, since Indie was a rescue cat, I was confident that Tanya would in fact be pleased that we were helping a cat in need in her memory.
"Another cat? Perhaps. For love there is also a season; its seeds must be resown. But a family cat is not replaceable like a worn out coat or a set of tyres. Each new kitten becomes its own cat, and none is repeated. I am four cats old, measuring out my life in friends that have succeeded but not replaced one another."
Irving Townsend
Angel On My Shoulders is a list for those who have lost a CRF cat and who need some emotional support. The Blue Cross and SCAS (the Society for Companion Animal Studies) also offer free online support through their Pet Bereavement Support Service. You can send an e-mail to pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk, and you will receive a response within a maximum time of 48 hours. The Association for Petloss and Bereavement offers online chatrooms, plus links to petloss counsellors in the USA and Canada.
You can also contact the Samaritans, who are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, by phone or e-mail. You do not have to be suicidal to contact The Samaritans - they are always happy to talk to anybody who is grieving or distressed. Their service is completely free and confidential.
UK The Blue Cross and SCAS (the Society for Companion Animal Studies) offer a pet bereavement support service. Just call 0800 096 6606 (free call) between 8.30 a.m. and 8.30 p.m. any day (there is an answerphone outside these hours) and you will be given the details of your nearest telephone befriender. This service is completely free apart from the cost of your call to your nearest befriender (which is charged at the local rate wherever possible), and all calls are confidential. This service is a member of the British Association for Counselling, and is supported by the British Small Animal Veterinary Association. The Samaritans offer telephone support in the UK and Republic of Ireland every minute of the day. You don't have to be suicidal to call them.
USA University of California at Davis offers a support hotline, provided by veterinary students trained by professional grief counsellors, which is available between 6:30 pm and 9:30 pm, Pacific Standard Time Monday - Friday (Tuesday - Thursday in summer). The phone number is 800 565 1526. Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine offers a similar service which is available between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. The phone number is (607) 253 3932. The American Veterinary Medical Association has a list of other US grief counselling hotlines.
In Memory of Pets has a helpful article about the journey through grief. Facing the loss of your companion animal is a helpful website from the University of Minnesota Veterinary Medical Center about coping with grief and loss. The last will and testament of an extremely distinguished cat is a moving article by a cat called Smitty. Poetic Expressions has a collection of poems about grief.
"Surviving the Heartache of Choosing Death for Your Pet" by Linda Peterson, published by Greentree Publishing, is available from Amazon for £7.03/US$13.95. "Death of an Animal Friend" is a booklet published by SCAS, price £2.50. It can be obtained from SCAS, 10b Leny Road, Callender, FK17 8BA "Absent Friend" by Laura and Martyn Lee, published by Henston, price £4.95/US$7.95 from Amazon (I recommend this book.) "Goodbye, Dear Friend" by Virginia Ironside, published by Robson, price £5.59/US$8 from Amazon. "Grieving the Death of a Pet" by Betty J Carmack, published by Augsburg Fortress Publishers, price US$11.04 from Amazon.
************ I shall walk in the Sun above, Whose golden light you loved. I shall sleep alone and, stirring, touch an empty place. I shall write uninterrupted. Would that your gentle paw could stir my moving pen just once again. I shall see beauty, but none to match your living grace. I shall hear music, but none so sweet as the droning song with which you loved me. I shall fill my days, but I shall not, can not, forget. Sleep soft dear friend, for while I live You shall not die." Michael Joseph
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This page last updated: 2 March 2008 Links on this page last checked: 15 January 2008 Copyright Tanya's Feline CRF Website 2000-2008. All rights reserved. You may print out one copy of each section of this site for your own information and/or one copy to give to your vet, but this site may not otherwise be reproduced or reprinted, on the internet or elsewhere, without the permission of the site owner, who can be contacted via the Contact Us page. If you wish to link to this site, please feel free to do so, and to use the banner ad on the Contact Us page if required. Please make it clear that this is a link and not your own work. I would appreciate being informed of your link. This site is best viewed using Internet Explorer. If you wish to print out the pages, I have found it works best if your margins are set to zero. |
